Untying Knots

CJ PretzelMy 2 oldest sons (you see the top of one and the bottom of the other), about a decade ago.

The other day I woke up grumpy. Very grumpy. Part of it was that I hadn’t truly slept enough to warrant waking up. I’m in the middle of trying to do Gentle Sleep Training with my 11 month old and we’d had a rough night. Walking around dragging my feet, begrudgingly making breakfast, whining at my husband, and grumbling at my kiddos were the items at the top of my to-do list for the day.

I then stole a minute to check Facebook. Just a few posts in to my newsfeed and my morning took a turn for the better.

The weird thing is, I didn’t come across a cute kitten video, or a picture of a friend’s newborn. I wasn’t inspired by a scripture or a someone’s admonition to carpe diem. Instead, I found that a  friend had published a little rant wherein she swept a moral issue (one I care particularly deeply about) under her proverbial rug. Of course, in reality, it was probably none of my business. Perhaps I should have left it alone, but my soul leapt  (leapt!) at the challenge of responding in a friendly, winsome, and convincing way.

I hurried and engaged the children in an activity to keep them busy for a bit, and sat down to think deep, prayerful thoughts about my friend’s  post, to understand her perspective first and then and figure out the best way to (possibly) touch her soul.  About a half hour later, I emerged from the computer satisfied that I was ready to disclose my comment. I had attempted to “speak” truth in love and kindness, but with impeccable logic (well, you know, as loving and/or logical as one can get in a half hour while having a somewhat-silly, easily discounted experience of frantically leaving a carefully crafted comment on Facebook, ok?). As I rose up to complete my typical morning tasks, I realized that I felt good.

Really, really good.

Why on earth was my heart soaring? Why could my mouth not hold back a smile? Why was there a bounce in my step?  I could hear the cheer and goodwill in my tone of voice as I buzzed around my house. Puzzled, I wondered how leaving a Facebook comment had lifted my spirits so very much?

I realized it was the simple act of taking the time to communicate with others while focusing on love and logic together that left me feeling very satisfied. The exercise of digging deep into my heart while simultaneously stretching my brain filled me with endorphins. I have a very strong need to express myself, and I have a strong desire to make sense, and help others make sense, of the world. Sometimes these 2 driving forces seem to be at odds with one another – one is so light, so emotional, while the other is so heavy and so serious. When I am given the chance to figure out a puzzling question philosophically and then express the answer vividly and with emotion, I suddenly feel fulfilled.

And this, friends, is one reason why I am pledging to blog this year. I have the strong inner desire to be doing these 2 things it seems I was created to do – analyze perplexities and share my findings for the purpose of making a difference in the world.  Writing is one way I can provide my brain the space to think, analyze, wonder about the Big Questions in life. Writing is one way I can share with others the truth, goodness, and beauty that I come across and embrace as they overflow in my heart. I often feel tied up in knots from the many  thoughts and feelings churning and jumbling around inside. I am hoping writing provides the venue to think through deep thoughts and express myself, allowing me to lighten up and fully enjoy the short days I’ve been given with my family and friends. 

As I attempt to explain the burning desire within me to think on a computer screen through my fingertips, I fear you may think I’m attempting to extrapolate from a lofty, know-it-all perch. I do not and will not write because I have everything figured out already. As my fingers on the keyboard click away, the synapses in my mind fire, my heart palpitations accelerate, and my eyes begin to see. The very act of writing enables me to understand confusing and complicated ideas.

Someone once said that Christianity is simply one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread. When I chose the name One Beggar’s Bread for my blog, it was with the intention of communicating that any ideas I share here are not from a holier-than-thou or high-rise position. By the grace of God, I do hope to continue to grow in wisdom as He would give it. I pray for logic and love both to be poured out from heaven as I spend time pondering life. As I find sweets and savories that are not of my own invention, I will happily set them out for you to pick through. To mix metaphors, please feel free to eat the meat and spit out the bones. (Eat the chocolate chips and spit out the raisins, maybe?)  I hope and pray that my blog, at least occasionally, will be used by God to point one dear beggar or another to where he or she will find bread that satisfies and ultimately points to the Bread of Life, Jesus Christ.

What about you? What floats your boat? What is one of your driving forces? What actions (or non-actions) make you feel satisfied or fulfullied? Please share in the comments!


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